i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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