No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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