I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
