Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
