Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
