Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
