2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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