I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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