I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
