Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
