bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
