I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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