So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i believe in u and ur pee
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
