I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
