I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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