So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
