i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
