please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
