I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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