sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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