You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
