If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
