The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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