the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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