just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
