glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just come out here and I will go home with you...
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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