hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
