we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
