Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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