i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
my poor anus
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
