My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
