Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
