If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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