maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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