I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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