They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize