I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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