I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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