1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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