Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
