remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
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