Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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