I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just pynch a tree in the face
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
