I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
