i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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