I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
