seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
