My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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