Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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