I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
