he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
