I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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