i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
