Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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