whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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