He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I can text with my tongue
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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