Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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