From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
