we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
