Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Let the clothes fall where they may.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
