And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
