I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
