Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Holy shit dude........stairs
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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